Being alone — raiding the Tomb…demons

Watching Tomb Raider, sort-of, wow some serious MMA action. Late at night, just got HBO, avoiding the feelings and/or the fear of the feelings. Bad action movies, comics, Sartre, Virgil, bike race…maybe this might be a good film for my daughter who is 7 and asleep after listening to Yuja Wang on Alexa.

I may need to say that Sartre and Virgil’s Aeneid were not part of the new Tomb Raider film with the new star Alicia Vikander. See image above. The image of the bow brings up thoughts of Kobun Chino, my zen teacher’s teacher, and a story about zen archery which I heard, somewhere, maybe at lunch with a woman who knew him also. Or read somewhere — he shot an arrow into the ocean, said that’s how you hit your target…

Pulahari…Tibetan lineage…the archery range he helped build there.

The feelings of being alone, no child, no girlfriend at the end of another 12 hour day, now melatonin kicking in or maybe writing helps.

Bad movie, good movie? The new Lara. Missing her father.

I’m afraid of the feelings that happen, often. The paranoia. Demons in a sense. Where do they come from? Ptsd from my psychotic alcoholic mother? I could work on my memoir, make it worse. Or write poetry, some novel, fiction, prose poetry, this…any writing is good.

Read Rimbaud, draw, etc. Try not to think about work, the new girlfriend who I talked to on the phone tonight, who calls me honey and is amazing and wants to see me tomorrow night. But still my demons. Instagram has inspiration, climbing, excessive makeup. Other body mods. I have Lara. And Laura. Nice to see a film sans swearing, unlike Ready Player One. More like Thor Ragnarok. Films to watch with my daughter.

Kids looking for their fathers. Gambling debts. Projects I am not working on… like a book of new poems, prose poems, there is one demon. A woman I miss. Get some sleep. HBO can wait. Storm on the boat. The lifeboat. Will they survive the storm? She’s swimming. Safe. A woman, women I knew, know, not replaced, not yet. Maybe never. No mother, father, not really. A painful void. A poem, a season in hell.

Oops he said the s word. And violence. Now the suspense…too much violence in this movie for my kid but oh well…

…no sleep for me…then sleep, waking up to the beautiful demons and then my daughter jumps on me in bed and the day begins with work and plans but still the feelings, the lingering sadness, missing her…love…it will be soon…

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store