Being careful but going out to the store today when I was not really ready was not a good decision. I managed to field a call from my manager that I should have deferred until later. After my girlfriend said she would not be spending the night with me until Friday, which I handled well, I managed to focus on work until 5 or so and then lost it, avoiding her and really setting myself up, again, for a difficult conversation tomorrow.
But I did go for a short run, talked to some friends, felt the glow more around my 25th anniversary/birthday of my sobriety on May 4th. Trying to let myself enjoy that feeling and sense, listen to Tara Brach lead a meditation, and see how I have been very successful in a busy chaotic, work environment. Learning and adapting as much as I can while I feel like covid has me at about 80% of my normal productive self on a good day — but less than that even as I try to pace myself. I just can’t power through work days like I used to.
Having books, like Robbe-Grillet, nearby, doing some inventory and journaling, even the Alanon 4th step, the Blueprint for Progress, which is a good thing to work on for sure. I am not sure if I am more fragile than usual with covid, in some ways. I suppose so. R-G helps me feel connected to my own fiction projects, the new novel that I have been working on. The third one, and it has been a grueling one.
Thinking today about some of my flaws and also needs and also possible things I may need to do. Easy these days of isolation to work on and off all day. I plan to start my day tomorrow in a healthy way — short run, write, meditate before work. I like being busy but get too busy. Can’t seem to manage a good balance.
It’s hard to know how to handle needs. Harder nowadays. Covid throws everything, everyone off. In the 2008 crisis I was laid off and did not work for 10 months but compared to a lot of people, I had it easy. So far I am working but also having it pretty easy in comparison to many now. I hope to do a little reading of R-G and then I think sleep will come soon tonight. Thank you, melatonin.